In 5000 BC, Celestial Arishem (David Kaye) sends forth ten Eternals to beat back the deviants, an invasive alien species that threatens to destroy humanity.  In addition to eradicating the threat, the team is tasked with guiding humanity in their evolution without getting too directly involved.  With the last of the deviants destroyed in the 1500’s, the Eternals go their separate ways until the alien predators begin to emerge again in the present day.

Marvel Studio’s latest acquisition of indie talent to helm their big budget sequel comes in the form of Chloé Zhao; booked before her Oscar win for Nomadland (2020) which was filmed during pre-production for Eternals.  The marketing quickly ran with this new-found prestige, and while elements of Zhao’s contemplative storytelling and eye for landscapes and framing are evident, they are covered under layer after layer of comic book CGI.  Despite Zhao’s valiant effort to bring the human aspects of the story to the forefront, it just was not enough to overcome the fact that these are ten immortal, super powered, aliens fighting against gigantic tentacled, dog-like creatures.

Eternals has many hurdles to overcome, the least of which is its 156-minute runtime.  First and foremost is the size of its cast.  With ten people making up the ensemble, there is an incredible amount of character information that we need to pick up on.  To the script’s credit, it portions out the characters in smaller teams of two to three at a time with the full ensemble only interacting in flashbacks, but it just takes entirely too long to get the crew back together.  It is a good way to get us introduced to everyone, but it can’t escape the amount of screentime that is needed to dedicate itself to this task.

Further, there is over 7000 years of backstory that we need to learn about.  The globe-trotting, time-hopping aspect of Eternals is actually rather fun.  That many of the Eternals share names with characters of myth and legend is a neat touch, though not nearly enough is done to lean into this mechanic.  As the flashbacks grow closer and closer to the present day, however, the scenes start to turn true tragedies into comic book novelty backstory in rather bad taste.

Examining the character dynamics, the film hinges on the relationship between Sersi (Gemma Chan) and Ikaris (Richard Madden).  Married centuries ago, after the fall of the deviants, they grew apart due to philosophical differences on how to use their powers with the enemy defeated.  In London, Sersi lives with Sprite (Lia McHugh), a storyteller, and is pursuing a relationship with Dane Whitman (Kit Harington).  This love triangle is made out to be far more important than it actually is, which ends up being a benefit to the film as these four are the least interesting characters of the bloated film.  Chan and Madden have next to no chemistry and while there relationship is a central part of the dramatic tension of the film, it serves little purpose.  Further, Madden shows no range or emotion throughout, and his deadpan demeanor is beyond boring to watch ad nauseum on screen.

The second major dynamic is between Thena (Angelina Jolie) and Gilgamesh (Ma Dong-seok).  This purely platonic, almost brother and sister relationship is an absolute joy to watch.  Dong-seok in underutilized as a comic relief and Jolie spends most of her screentime wandering aimlessly through the frame, but the dynamic is very pure.  When it comes to the action, Thena has a one of the more visually stunning powers as the goddess of war able to summon celestial spears, swords, and shields at will.  The production design for her and Gilgamesh’s powers are seeming inspired by the constellations and are far more interesting visually that Ikaris’ uninspired eye lasers.

Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) has largely spent the centuries alone making a name for himself as a Bollywood star.  He brings much needed life and vitality to the rather dull cast of characters, though much like Dong-seok he is criminally underutilized, and like Ikaris his finger guns are laughable.  Druig (Barry Keoghan) has the power of mind control and lives in a secluded village in South America.  Morally, he has the potential to be one of the more complex characters of the film in his positioning as a Colonel Kurtz-like character, but the film does very little with that idea.  Instead, it places the moral weight of their powers on Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry), the inventor, in a way that is not only remarkable to think it made its way through multiple edits before hitting the screen, but it is so disgustingly insulting to see his very real and very tragic backstory turned into a few frames that are supposed to be impactful and serve as a crossover between the MCU and the real world.

The final two Eternals are largely forgotten about by the script.  Ajak (Salma Hayek) exists solely in flashback sequences and her absence is set up to be a pivotal plot point, yet never having really seen or felt her importance, her absence does not resonate.  Then there is Makkari (Lauren Ridloff) who has hidden herself away in their spaceship and surrounded herself with books and artifacts through the ages, largely staying uninvolved with humanity and the rest of her team.  Even after the team is reunited, Makkari remains on the outside and is given very little agency in guiding the narrative.

When it comes time to fight the big bad at the end of the film, it is incredibly anticlimactic and while most of the action is legible, its framing is very by-the-book and in its methodology stretches the final act out to an unnecessary length.  The whole idea behind the Eternals is that they are strongest together, yet the final fight still finds them fractured and separated.  Not to mention that the attempt at joining their powers is just pure addition and not in any way complimenting each other which would have been a far more interesting and enjoyable course to take rather than the general overpowering that is done instead.

The lore of the film ends up being the most intriguing aspect of the film, even if it does not always make sense when you start to think about it.  The cosmic nature and the value and purpose of life are the main themes at play here, but there is also a touch of predetermination and free will.  Of course, as soon as the film begins to get interesting and examine these concepts, it quickly course corrects into a standard blockbuster – and one that feels dated, at that.  The stakes, the action sequencing, and the character design does not feel like a modern film which is probably the strangest thing of all.

Eternals may reward those more versed in the Marvel lore, though it seems to only have a few passing references to the main canon.  Despite what the marketing would tell you, the visuals and colors are still very muted.  Zhao, who does her best under the strain of the Marvel machine, has her heart in the right place in trying to elevate this film into one that has the same heart and soul as her previous features, but simply put the needs of the Universe supersede the wants of the individual director which result here in an overlong, pseudo-philosophical, sci-fi drama peppered with clunky and uninspired action set pieces as required by – who might just be the mightiest celestial of them all – Kevin Feige.